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Dear All,
Here is my story about how I became a Christian, what I went through later and how I finally
got through and transcended my beliefs. I have shared a lot of personal things in this that I've
never shared with anyone before. Originally I had not meant for it to be this long, so I apologize
for that. But while I was writing it, I felt like I was reliving all those suppressed memories again
and so lots of details came out of my mind that I had to write. Several times I had to stop and
pause for a moment because those memories brought back a lot of overwhelming emotions and
I felt on the verge of tears. But I'm glad that I finally wrote it all out cause I have been meaning
to for a long time. It also felt therapeutic to me to write this all out too. I stayed up almost all
night for 2 nights writing this. I hope maybe you the reader may be able to get some kind of
lesson out of it, whatever it may be.

Yours Faithfully,
Winston

The Story of My Transcendence from Christianity to New Age

by Winston Wu
(WWu777@aol.com)

It all started when I was 9 years old at a Christian Summer daycare school called Fremont
Christian. I became a Christian there when I was a 10 year old boy by receiving Christ during
the Chapel session. I liked the Christian teachings because they made me feel good and I liked
knowing that Christ would always be with me and that I had eternal life to look forward to. I
didn't know it at that time, but it gave me a sense of power that I never had. Having Jesus in my
heart was like having a supernatural power that I could call on at any time, kind of like how
Clark Kent can turn into Superman whenever the situation calls for it. I needed it at the time
because in 4th and 5th grade I was teased and disliked by most of my classmates, which
completely destroyed my self-esteem and trust in people, and scarred me for life. But I never
thought about the full implications of being a Christian, so I wasn't that serious about it until 4
years later when my interest in Christianity soared to great heights. I re-dedicated my life to
Christ then and decided to become a devout passionate active Christian from then on and make
it a serious part of my life. Everything suddenly seemed to click. My prayers were getting
answered. God gave me a lot of Christian friends who came into my life by strange
coincidences, which helped me out a lot during my first year of high school. Everything was
great. I had a lot of joy and passion for Christ and had a lot of fun with my Christian friends. I
was actively involved with my youth group at Church, and I learned a lot about Christianity
through books and Christian radio as well. In Sunday School, I was like the only one who had
all the answers to each question posed. With the power and truth of Christ, I felt safe from the
uncaring secular world which lived in darkness. Nothing could go wrong I thought, because no
matter what happens, I'm still saved and had an eternal life to look forward to and be happy
about. I thought I had nothing to lose or fear. But I was dead wrong, because the following
year, I would lose my own mind.

By the end of my first year in high school, summer started, and a big tide was about to turn.
That summer, two bad things happened which later turned out to be signs of even worse to
come.

1) That summer we went to Taiwan to visit a lot of relatives for a few weeks. (During the flight,
I read the book of Job in the Old Testament, which was ironic because I didn't know then that
for the next few years I would experience a lot worse than I could ever imagine.) I had a lot of
fun in Taiwan and my relatives were very loving and supportive people. These people liked me
for who I was, not for what I had to offer them like most of my friends in California did. While I
was there, I brought some Christian gospel tracts that I ordered in Chinese so that I could share
my faith with them. I didn't usually hand out tracts, but I felt I had to in this case because I
hardly ever saw those relatives so this was a rare opportunity to witness to them and hopefully
convert some of them so that they wouldn't go to hell as I believed they would. You see, I
knew that they would hardly ever hear the Gospel in their lifetime because the Gospel wasn't
heard much in Taiwan, so that meant that if I didn't convert them then in all likelihood they
would go to hell and suffer in pain forever and ever. So I saw myself as the only hope for them
from an eternity of pain. That felt like a huge burden to me, but those were the facts according
to my Christian views. I mean it's huge when you think about it, all my relatives were non-
Christian and on their way to hell, and I was probably their only chance to escape that! That's a
lot of pressure for a 15 year old kid!!!!!!! Can you imagine that? Anyway, all the relatives that
I gave tracts to just giggled and thought it was silly but cute. My mom even said "Winston, stop
it. You're making a fool out of yourself. They already have their own beliefs." But I believed
that I was trying to spread the truth. Anyway, none of my relatives showed even the keenest
interest in my Gospel tracts. And so that's how it was. On the return flight back home to
California from Taiwan, my failure to convert them started to sink in as well as the eternal
implications. I sat on the plane wondering if maybe I didn't do enough to try to convert them. I
thought maybe if I had been more dramatic or vocal about it or showed off some self-sacrificing
Christian acts of love to them like in the Evangelistic stories I read about, then it would have
gotten their attention. But it was too late, I lost my chance. I let God down. Maybe God was
angry at me right now because I didn't do enough to witness to them, and because of that they
would probably end up in hell for an eternity. I pictured them tormented by fire and brimstone
all around them and cursing my name for not having witnessed to them better. I pictured what
that would be like for them for all eternity. A million years could pass in hell and they would still
be in total torment and pain. A billion years could pass and they'd still be in hell. A trillion years
could pass and it would still be the same, because an eternity was forever and a billion trillion
zillion years wouldn't make the slightest difference! This was unimaginable! This was a very
scary thought and I wasn't sure how to make sense of it so I tried not to think of it. I had never
realized the implications of the horror of an eternal hell until then. Furthermore, since my loving
nurturing parents were very adamant about never converting to Christianity, I pictured the same
fate for them too. I just couldn't believe it, my relatives were the only people I've ever known
besides my parents who liked and loved me for me, and they would probably have to go to hell
for an eternity because of me! I didn't want to believe it, but it had to be true according to the
Bible, which was the direct word of God. It was all too hard to bear. I wasn't sure how to
handle this burden or even what to do about it. How would you have handled it as a 15 year
old? (Note: This paragraph was difficult for me to write because it brought back memories that
I had suppressed for a decade. I was on the verge of tears while writing this. That was a very
sad and painful period for me to try to bring back while writing this, and the memories I re-
experienced were vivid.) Anyway, I came back to the States reluctantly, because I sort of felt
like a failure. This all made me somewhat depressed.

2) The second thing happened in the latter half of the summer. I went on a Christian summer
camp near San Diego with my church youth group. I was hoping the camp would help me to
feel less depressed about what happened in Taiwan. Then I met this beautiful girl who looked
like the ideal girl I've always wanted. She was like something out of a dream and she was nice
to me too. I tried to fight it, but I was bit by the love bug. Unfortunately though, she was too
young for me and we couldn't really see each other even after the camp was over for a lot of
reasons which I don't want to share, so I just tried to enjoy it while it lasted. When I came back
from that camp, I felt depressed and lost because of the emptiness I felt knowing I could never
have her and missing the way she made me felt. It was like the 5th or 6th time I struck out in
love.

So you see, both those events during that Summer made me feel depressed and hurt and
confused. I didn't know how to handle it all. I was too sensitive too so things affected me more
deeply and intensely than most people. Anyway, I was not emotionally ready to start school
because of those two big issues, but I had to anyway. So start it I did. And believe me, when I
went back to school it was a different world. Most of my friends, both Christian and non-
Christian either left or had changed so much that we couldn't really be friends anymore. My
new friends weren't that great and they didn't even really care about me. I didn't like any of my
classes either because they were overwhelming and I wasn't interested in studying because of
those two events during the summer that I was still emotionally attached to. And on top of all
that, I felt lonely and isolated too because all my friends were either gone or had changed. I
couldn't believe how one summer changed everything! :( For the whole year nothing changed
no matter how hard I tried to change them or how many times I prayed. I wanted get back the
joy I had last year but nothing I did helped. I soon realized that I also seemed to have lost my
fire and passion for the Lord. I tried to get that back too because maybe if I did, my life would
turn around again and be fulfilling. But no matter how hard I tried to jump start my passion and
fire for the Lord, it just wouldn't. It was like trying to start a car with a dead battery. It felt like
God had left me or something. When I prayed, I didn't even feel that he was listening anymore.
I was wondering if maybe all this was my punishment for not being able to convert all my
relatives in Taiwan, resulting in them losing their souls.

(Things get even much worse than you can imagine! Read on if you dare.)

Then during that same year in October, on Halloween, a very bad and scary thing happened
that was a sign of what was further to come. That afternoon, I found that when I got home from
school, I couldn't get around the house or do normal things without performing rituals to cancel
out bad thoughts over and over again. It was weird and I didn't want to do it, but if I didn't I
would feel a lot of anxiety and panic like something was very wrong. I kept having to enter and
re-enter through the front door. This was really weird and I had never done that before. Then
just to move into the living room took and put my backpack down took a lot of effort as well.
What was going on here I thought!?!?!?!?!? I couldn't believe this was happening. It was so
bizarre. I ended up spending about 3 or 4 hours in the bathroom because I couldn't get out of
there because every time I tried to do the perfect ritual, my body would itch or something else
would go wrong and I had to redo the rituals over again. After a few hours, I wanted to get out
of there bad, I felt like a prisoner in my own bathroom! What could be stupider than that? The
trick or treaters came by since it was Halloween and while they came I was stuck there in the
bathroom trying to get out!!!!!! Afterwards I was so exhausted and drained, and I hoped that
that would be the only day I would have to do those rituals. I thought tomorrow I'd be back to
normal again. But I was very very wrong. It went on each day the same way. I had to fight
hard to not do them, but I had to do them. It cost me a few hours each day. Sometimes less,
sometimes more. My grades plummeted too as you might expect. I got a lot of D's and F's on
my report card. I didn't tell anyone beside my parents because no one would understand and I
was ashamed of this too. On some nights when the rituals were costing me too much time, I
would yell at myself saying "Come on you @#$%, let me go!!!!!!!"

After a few months of enduring this inner hell, my parents took me to a psychiatrist. I didn't
know how to describe what was happening. My communication skills were bad and I was too
shy too and I was ashamed to admit this weird disorder. From what he had to go on, the
psychiatrist diagnosed me with schizophrenia and gave me Prozac. Schizophrenia I thought?!
Now I'm really done for! How could I ever be a good witness for Christ now? Would a crazy
deluded schizophrenic who was unable to control his own thoughts be a good representative for
Christ? Of course not! I would give him a bad name if I told people I was a Christian now!
My witnessing life was over I guess. My dreams of becoming a Missionary and Evangelist and
converting many people to Christ were shattered. What would I do now? Since I heard there
was no cure for Schizophrenia and I might have it for the rest of my life, this means I might never
be able to even live a normal life again! I might as well forget about any other dreams in general
as well.

Anyway, I tried the Prozac, but all it did was increase my anxiety to the point where every
minute felt like an hour and I felt like a Mexican jumping bean! I couldn't even sit through an
hour of class under Prozac, so I had to discontinue it. That psychiatrist moved, so I was
referred to another one. This one diagnosed me as having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
(OCD). He prescribed another drug called Mellaril or something. It didn't have bad side
effects and I wasn't sure if it worked or not, hard to tell. Anyway, he was cold and uncaring
even though I liked his assistant, who was a talking therapist. So for some reason I don't
remember, we went to a third psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with both disorders,
Schizophrenia and OCD! Oh great! That whole year I went to church and my youth group
every week and for Wednesday Bible study too, but it was never the same. Everyone I liked at
the church moved away. I kept praying and hoping God would do something to make my life
better and especially take away my Schizophrenia/OCD or whatever. Nothing happened.
Nothing changed. In fact, it got worse and worse as the year went on. I didn't understand why
God, who has absolute control over every atom and molecule in the universe, didn't do anything
about this. By the end of the year, I felt so helpless, powerless and confused that I became
depressed too. Then summer came and I was glad to get away from school at least so I
wouldn't have to deal with the pressures there and my disorder at the same time. But I still had
no idea why my whole life changed just after one bad summer. I didn't understand why God let
this happen. It didn't make sense! I mean I know about the story of Job, but come on!
Dealing with the outer world is hard enough, but when you're mentally ill you can't even deal
with your INNER WORLD, how does God expect me to deal with the outer world! How
would I ever be a good witness for Christ in the state I'm in? How would I even live for Christ
for that matter?

After Summer, school started again and I was a junior now. I was hoping this would be a
better year, but instead this turned out to be the ABSOLUTE WORST HORRIFIC period of
my life! I have labeled this period as the "Holocaust" of my life. I'm serious! When I hear or
see the word "1989" I still feel a slight shudder of fear. My mind has blanked out this period so
much from my memory that I don't even acknowledge that it existed. When I went back to
school, I found that I was completely overwhelmed and didn't even have the will or interest in
going to school or doing any homework. School felt threatening to me now. For some reason I
could not cope with anything in life now. I even lost the desire to go to church because I didn't
feel important to anyone there and the sermons didn't connect with anything I was going
through. They were boring, repetitious and empty. Plus my prayers were never answered
anymore and I had lost my fire for the Lord. I was too depressed and had no motivation to get
up in the morning. Why get up when there was nothing but pain, loneliness, and schizophrenia
rituals to look forward to everyday? I couldn't face all that and concentrate on tons of boring
homework loads everyday. This also happened to be the most academically challenging school
year in high school as well. Do you think I was in shape to deal with that? Yeah right. I had to
stop going to school because it was pointless, lonely, and if I continued I would get all F's in
every class.

As I stayed home on school days not knowing what to do, I felt hopeless and sank further and
further into depression. I felt like my life was over. There was nothing but doom, gloom and
hopelessness. I lost even the ability to enjoy very simple things. I tell you, you've never known
what true depression is like until you experienced what I experienced at that time. It's like
you're so depressed that you can't even muster the energy to raise a finger simply because
there's no point to. All the happy and fun times I ever had seemed like a false illusion now.
There was no logical solution to my life. I saw no way out. Not only was I depressed and
hopeless, but since my Schizophrenic symptoms hadn't lessened after a whole year, it looked
like it would be with me forever. There was no way I could ever live a normal life if I had to
spend hours each day in rituals and had trouble with even simple things like getting around the
house. And there was no cure for Schizophrenia either. This means that not only will I never be
able to live a normal life, have dreams, hold a job, get married or have children, but that I would
also eventually have to spend the rest of my life in a mental hospital and be looked upon by
society as a pitiful thing to be sorry for. There was no point to that kind of existence. I felt like
the only escape was suicide. But I didn't even have the guts to do that. So all I could do was
lay around feeling too depressed to even move and I tried to sleep as many hours as possible to
escape all this. All I felt 24 hours a day during that time was doom and gloom. Even when the
big San Francisco Earthquake of 1989 struck, I was lying down on the couch at my uncle's
house too depressed to move. I felt the house shake and just thought "An earthquake? Big
deal. Go ahead and kill me. Make the roof fall down. Then I won't have to endure this
anymore." I still can't believe I said that even today. Anyway, what I experienced during those
6 months that year will never be forgotten, and I shudder even today when I think about it.
What I experienced is not describable with words. It's like your soul and life are being sucked
dry to death and you are completely helpless to do anything about it. It's very very very difficult
to conceive that I went through this and at the same time conceive of a God that exists.

My parents were at a loss as to what to do, so they sent me to a local mental hospital. I was
scared at first, but the staff turned out to be very supportive and I enjoyed the environment. It
became a great getaway and I enjoyed the pool, volleyball and other activities. For the first
time in a while I felt able to enjoy things again. I didn't feel the pressures I had in my school and
home life. I even played a lot of chess there and beat all the staff and other patients :) After a
month or two I was discharged from the mental hospital. I was reluctant to leave though, which
was funny because I was dragged kicking and screaming in there but now I felt sad to go and
leave such a nice and supportive place. Since I didn't want to deal with that snobby school I
hated again though (by the way this was the same school Kristi Yamaguchi the world famous ice
skater graduated from just to let you know), they decided to send me to a different high school
for just a few classes because they didn't want to risk me being overwhelmed again. So I only
took 2 classes at the new school and did the rest on home schooling. This worked out and I felt
refreshed and at peace for once in a long time.

After the school year, I decided I wanted to take a big break from all that I went through and
go to Taiwan for a year to teach English and be with my relatives who were the only ones who
liked me for who I was. I hoped it would be a good way to recuperate from what I went
through. Everyone in my family agreed that it was a good idea because 1) We were afraid that
if I just started school again after summer then I might be overwhelmed again by school, life,
Schizophrenia and depression like I was last year and not be able to function. I certainly didn't
want to take that risk. 2) After a year in a good environment with lots of caring people, my
mind might develop and become mature enough to deal with school when I came back. 3)
Also, it would give my Schizophrenia/OCD rituals a year to heal or lessen somewhat, which
would further help me to deal with school when I came back. It turned out that we were right!
When I came back, I was a whole different person in a lot of ways, which I'll get into later. I
had a lot of fun there and made a lot of friends too. It was the first time in two years that I felt
really happy and enthusiastic again. It wasn't that I just had a good time there, it was that I was
so relieved to have made it out alive through the last two years when I thought my life was over.
I wasn't doomed after all I guess. It was just such a relief, and I felt this relief everyday for an
entire year. After all when you go down to the bottom of a pit, there's nowhere to go but up! It
was a wonderful refreshing feeling, kind of like the feeling you get when you get out of the
shower you know, except that you feel it for the whole year! Because I felt so much better and
free, my Schizophrenic symptoms lessened so fast that I forgot about them soon!

During that year when my mom came to visit me in Taiwan for a few months, she took me to
see some Spiritualist healers and to some Taoist-like temples to find out if we could get some
help for the mental illness I had for 2 years. 3 Different spiritualists who didn't know each other
told her that they could "see" two souls inhabiting me for a past karmic crime I committed
against them. She was instructed by the leaders of a Taoist-like temple to perform these strange
exorcism rites, which involved putting leaflet spells above the bedroom I slept in and having me
take baths in some hot herbal water tossed in with yellow spell leaflets. It was all weird to me
and my Christian world view taught that Satan was behind these kind of things. But I thought oh
well, being a Christian never helped me through those 2 hellish years anyway, so why not give
Satan a chance at helping me? Anything would be better than having to go through what I went
through again. So I just went along with everything to humor my concerned mom. During some
of their temple rites, I saw some strange things that I never knew existed in any religion. While
in a trance, one of the spiritualists made a lot of fierce and fast movements. I was wondering if
he was possessed or something. Anyway, after the spells and exorcisms, they said that the 2
spirits in me were gone and that I would gradually return to normal. To speed up the process of
returning to normal, they suggested that I become a vegetarian as well. I tried that and liked it
too, so I stuck with it up to today. My conscience felt cleaner when I didn't eat meat, plus the
vegetarian food there in Taiwan was absolutely delicious! Anyway I had fun the rest of that
year and I taught English in tutoring schools as well. My mental disorder thing had also
decreased to where it was controllable.

When I came back after a year, I felt confident, energized, optimistic and ready to tackle
anything. I started my senior year in that new high school that I went to before I left. I didn't
make that many friends there because it was hard for me to break into the already formed
cliques, but at least everyone was nice to me and respected me which I wasn't used to. It was a
boring year, but at least I had peace of mind everyday and I easily faced each day with
confidence and drive. Homework was easy because I could select classes that were easy or
interesting so I finally started getting good grades. I found that I could think and concentrate
clearly too, so I had a lot of control over my thoughts and emotions for the first time. Maybe it
was because the vegetarianism helped clear my conscience? I don't know. But either way, I
found it easy to read and write and to be excited by even the little things. Amazingly, some
cognitive abilities and talents I never knew I had appeared out of nowhere! I suddenly felt like I
had mastery over organizing my thoughts and words so that I could communicate any thought or
idea I wanted. No thought or idea was too difficult to put into words, and I could do it all in a
very organized coherent way too! I never was good at writing until then. My speech and
writing became very articulate. Wow! I could write school papers and essays easily and could
summon lots of creative thoughts and insights at will. It all became second nature to me. In
addition, I found that my depth of understanding had greatly increased, and I could also see
things from a lot more angles than I ever could before. This of course, made all my essays and
school papers even better. It was like my cognitive, intuitive, insight and awareness jumped up
a level by itself!

Later that year, I felt that it would be a good time for me to get back into Christianity again. I
missed having the sense of purpose it gave me. I started reading the Bible and other Christian
books again, and remembered all the intellectual arguments I used to support the Christian faith.
I started looking for a church to go to again. I found a Christian Club on campus too, which I
attended. Then I started going to a church referred to me by some of the people in the Club.
Anyway, I started being on fire for the Lord again and started witnessing to people again too. I
even came close to getting into trouble with some Muslim Afghan students at the school,
because they were insulted at me trying to convert them to Christianity. They said that if I was
in their country, a mob would kill me for attempting to convert people! lol But I didn't care and
I was willing to take a few beatings for the truth of the Gospel of Christ because the true living
God was working behind it, so I had nothing to fear. One day, I even went to my Art History
teacher after class and asked him why after a week of teaching us about Christian Medieval Art
he never once mentioned about what Christ did for us on the cross and the Gospel he preached.
I left him a Gospel tract and said that he could learn about what Christianity was about in it. He
just said that he wasn't the right person to be sharing this with and that I should be sharing it with
fellow students instead. After I graduated from high school, for some reason I never again
regained interest in Christianity. This had always been a mystery to me until now. Only recently
have I realized that the likely reason was that I had probably used Christianity as a crutch to get
through life and give it meaning. After high school my childhood problems were gone and I
needed no more crutches. It was then that I could finally take an honest look at Christianity and
deal with the negative irreconcilable aspects of it, which I always knew were there but didn't
want to face it for fear of blasphemy and because I needed the sense of purpose it gave me.
Soon, my doubts starting creeping in.


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